The Spiral of My Brain

I am struggling mentally. I think I really realized the extent of what is going on yesterday evening, and now I am trying to figure out how to course correct my brain before I go completely off the reservation. I haven’t felt this depressed in a while, and I need to figure out why. At first I thought it was the addition of the Wellbutrin, but I have been off of that for over a week and it wasn’t supposed to have any lasting effects.

Work has been a dystopian hellscape since AI threatens to replace me, and my role in the company is uncertain. School is hard as hell as I near the end, the courses are getting super real, and have been increasing my caffeine intake yet still sleeping for hours after I get off work and disrupting my sleep schedule. Gaming is not as fun as it used to be for me. Actually nothing is. I used to craft my days away, but it’s all locked in a messy, cluttered, disorganized craft room.

I used to take joy in cooking, but even that has become a chore. It’s a struggle making things that are delicious but still healthy. And then when I do make something delicious that I love it’s like I have to stop myself from having too much of it so I don’t destroy myself. And then if I don’t stop myself, if I indulge, which I have been doing a lot lately because I’ve had a major “fuck it” attitude to life and the world, I beat myself up. Then I spiral into a self-loathing because I’m terrified of screwing up all the progress I’ve made so far. Then I second-guess every decision I’ve made leading up to this.

I swear I’m still taking all my medications, so it’s definitely not that. I wonder if introducing the wellbutrin broke me or if work is just that insane that it’s affecting everything. I wish I had more answers. I’m not going to stop trying but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on the struggle bus with getting outside of my head.

Keep It Moving

I am so glad I bought dumbbells. I can use them during the day while I’m sitting here at work, and honestly when I’m near having a panic attack due to work it helps give me something to focus on. It is making me consider either an under desk elliptical or under desk bike pedals to add more motion because getting to the bike in the living room sometimes doesn’t happen.

I have been stress eating and I have a wild week coming up ahead that I’m going to have to carefully meal plan, but I have at least been staying mostly on target. I’m trying to learn to be kinder to myself but that is a work in progress. Ended up getting take out tonight because work made me miserable, but I chose a salad and chicken noodle soup. ALSO got a cool sausage and sweet potato skillet meal tomorrow and chicken crust “flatbread” pizza on Friday night with a salad. Tomorrow for lunch will be another salad. Yum!

Fast Solutions to a Problem

Last night was a takeout night, and I went completely off the reservation. Kiddo wanted Sonic after I got out of work, and I obliged. I got myself some garlic parmesan bites (260 cal, not so bad) along with his food but I also managed to eat a chicken tender and half a tater tot order just munching. Bad, bad girl. I wish I could say it stopped there.

We get to the takeout part. I decide to get a southwest salad at chic fila (with grilled nuggets) and there was a reward for 2 free chicken strips. Free food has no calories right? Wrong. I ate those, and then got the boys food. Popcorn chicken and curly fries for kiddo, and a combo for the mister. I ate most of the fries before we got home (He doesn’t eat many fries so there was plenty still for him). I also got him a chicken sandwich from Walmart. I ate my salad when I got home, and I ate another salad after that. I also had cashews I got from Walmart. Did I chart all this like I should? No.

It’s wild to me because I can be relatively okay until that first morsel of food hits my lips, then it’s like it’s all I can think about. So today I’m trying something new. As I type this, it’s 9:42 AM and I have been up for almost four hours. My usual breakfast time is like 7-8 AM so this is off for me. I’m going to try to go as far as I can without eating to see if it will help me. I’m so afraid of losing all my progress that I am desperate to try anything at this point. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Post Traumatic Snacking Disorder

Good lord. This is a spiral. The more I stress about what I’m eating, the more I’m complelled to stress eat. It’s a weird cycle. I have moved my little dumbells to the office so when I get the urge to boredom eat, I can grab them and do some workouts. It’s working, for the most part. I’m coupling that with eating filling, healthy meals and snacks today and seeing how that works for me. I also need to dye my hair today or tomorrow.

Meal planning is getting harder as the weeks go by, because I’m bored with everything I’ve done. My husband is getting more annoyed with stuff too, like for instance the ribs I made on Sunday. They were amazing but he didn’t want to bring messy food to work. I get it, but I’m just trying to keep it tasty and a little different when I can, and cooking on weekends is when I can take my time and make good stuff.

I think it’s time to take back to my original hunting grounds and hit up Pinterest. I have so many recipes saved on TikTok these days, but that is so hard to sort through. At least on Pinterest, it’s saved into groups and easy to find. What I need to do is move the video links from the recipe videos I liked to its own Pinterest group. Brainstorming out loud here.

If you are reading this and have something new I can try, let me know. I’m getting bored over here and running out of new ideas.

Snacking Zensations and Wellness Check

I have found that the only way to keep myself satiated between meals is to snack. So my goal has to be to find high volume, low calorie snacks. I have a few go-tos that I have found make me happy and give me the volume I need to not think about food, but not add a ton of calories.

Cucumbers – I will slice an entire cucumber rather thinly and make a quick dipping sauce that is very low-cal and no sugar. Another favorite bulk treat is popcorn. My favorite is the love pop from Central Market (HEB brand) and it’s 170 calories for TWO CUPS! That’s huge.

As I had stated previously, I had started Wellbutrin a few weeks ago for my ADHD. I feel like it’s made me gain weight as it started going up while nothing else has changed but my medications. Not only that but my energy level has been depleted. It cumulated with me sleeping through most of my long holiday weekend, and almost oversleeping for work this morning. I decided yesterday to stop taking it (as apparently I am getting the reverse effects as it gives most people. They report more energy and focus and weight loss. I’m not having any of that obviously) so I’m going to see if I can regulate and then I can reevaluate with my doctor when I get on my higher Rybelsus dose. And hopefully that will eliminate the rest of my food noise.

I’m doing everything I can to stay on track and get this weight loss, but at this point I’m sort of keeping afloat and not swimming. I need to do something to help it along.

Meals For the Week

Saturday
Chicken Wings
Cucumber Slices

Sunday
Slow-cooked ribs with no sugar added Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ Sauce
Mac and cheese with protein pasta
Sauteed zucchini

Monday
Air fried cheddar brats
Roasted potatoes
Carrots

Tuesday
Takeout

Wednesday
Protein pasta with no sugar added sauce and sausages

Thursday
Baked chicken breast
Mixed Vegetables
Brown Rice

Cakey Chocolate Chip Cookie Bites

I thought these cookies would be a great idea. I made those protein peanut butter balls and my kid said they might make good cookies. I got a box of zero sugar cake mix, and instead of using it to make cake or cupcakes, I decided to try to add some things and make cookies. I used the box, added a half cup of PB2 powder, then a cup of high protein Greek yogurt along with two eggs. I had to add a smidge of water to get it to a cookie dough consistency and then dropped it onto the parchment with a cookie scoop and baked it at 350 for about 12 minutes.

Now, these taste great and I think the stats are good enough to use as a sweet treat when needed. I will post them below though, and let you decide for yourself. The stats are per cookie, so take that as you will.

Calories: 45.7
Fat: .95g
Carb: 19.85g
Fiber: .25g
Protein: 1.8g

Barbecue Chicken Ranch Cauliflower Bake

Ingredients:
2 12 ounce packages of steam in bag frozen cauliflower
2 large boneless skinless chicken breasts
Seasoning to taste
1 cup Greek yogurt
1 packet ranch dressing
1 cup no sugar added barbecue sauce
1 package shredded cheese of your choice
1 package bacon crumbles

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Microwave cauliflower for five minutes. Cut chicken breast into small pieces and brown in a skillet with the seasoning of choice. I used my usual house meat seasoning. It’s ok if the chicken doesn’t get fully done, as it’s going to finish in the oven. Once it’s browned, on a parchment lined sheet pan arrange layers. Start off with cauliflower then add the chicken in a layer on top. Mix the Greek yogurt with the ranch packet, then spread it over top the chicken. Drizzle the barbecue sauce evenly over the top, then add the cheese. You can use fat free cheese if you want here, but I just had a bag of colby jack in the fridge that I decided to use up. Sprinkle the bacon crumbles on top, then bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes.

This makes four servings, and this is the nutritional information Nourish gave me:

Calories: 460
Protein: 49.1g
Carbs: 8.7g
Fat: 24.3g
Fiber: 1.4g

What I Eat In A Day

Breakfast
1 cup Seven Sundays Wild Berry Protein Oatmeal – made with water
4 strawberries
215 calories • 11.3g protein • 37.5g carbs • 3.2g fat • 5.9g fiber

Snack
1 cucumber and four pickle spears
54 calories • 0.5g protein • 2.6g carbs • 0.1g fat • 0.8g fiber

Lunch
French Dip made with Dave’s Killer organic sandwich roll, roast chuck, and 2 slices mozzarella cheese
520 calories • 38g protein • 40g carbs • 22g fat •4g fiber

Snack
1/2 cup Greek yogurt, 1/4 cup zero sugar Cool Whip, 2 strawberries
90 calories • 10.7g protein • 9g carbs • 1.6g fat • 0.6g fiber
2 pb2 protein bombs
98 calories • 6.4g protein • 11.4g carbs • 3.6g fat • 4.4g fiber

Dinner
BBQ Chicken Ranch Bacon & Cauliflower Bake
528 calories • 55.5g protein • 8g carbs • 31.8 g fat • 0.7g fiber

Dessert
1/2 cup Greek yogurt, 1/4 cup zero sugar Cool Whip, 2 strawberries
90 calories • 10.7g protein • 9g carbs • 1.6g fat • 0.6g fiber

This was a pretty much usual day for me, give or take some. I tried out a new recipe I will be posting later for dinner, and I exercised by riding the bike and working the dumbells.

Recipe Fatigue – Surviving Food Boredom

In my food week, I usually take mid-week to plan my meals and make my shopping list. HEB and Kroger usually publish their sale papers on Wednesday, so I comb through those and try to use the sale papers to help plan what the next week’s meals will be. Saturday morning is my shopping day, so meals get planned Sat-Fri. There is usually one take-out night planned in the week, though lately it’s been a little random. Last week we ate out Friday after kiddo’s performance (And I think I did well! Grilled catfish and shrimp, dirty rice and grilled veggies with a salad). The options for healthy fast food around here are limited, though, so I’ve not been eating a lot of it. But everything in moderation, right?

I’ve been buying things like cucumbers and lettuce boats in bulk because it’s low calorie and things I can grab to eat to fill the void between meals that won’t wreck me with calories. I’ve also been trying to wait longer in the morning before my first meal, but that is a balance. If you wait too long and you’re too hungry it can set the tone for the rest of the day and you’re just gobblin’ all day long. I think next post will be detailing “What I eat in a day!” I might do a video on tiktok for one day too. Not today though because I look awful.

Anyway, I am struggling this week to develop recipes and a meal plan that can both be fitting for me and delicious for my husband. I will see what the sale papers contain this week – hopefully something good!