Category Archives: Setbacks

The Spiral of My Brain

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I am struggling mentally. I think I really realized the extent of what is going on yesterday evening, and now I am trying to figure out how to course correct my brain before I go completely off the reservation. I haven’t felt this depressed in a while, and I need to figure out why. At first I thought it was the addition of the Wellbutrin, but I have been off of that for over a week and it wasn’t supposed to have any lasting effects.

Work has been a dystopian hellscape since AI threatens to replace me, and my role in the company is uncertain. School is hard as hell as I near the end, the courses are getting super real, and have been increasing my caffeine intake yet still sleeping for hours after I get off work and disrupting my sleep schedule. Gaming is not as fun as it used to be for me. Actually nothing is. I used to craft my days away, but it’s all locked in a messy, cluttered, disorganized craft room.

I used to take joy in cooking, but even that has become a chore. It’s a struggle making things that are delicious but still healthy. And then when I do make something delicious that I love it’s like I have to stop myself from having too much of it so I don’t destroy myself. And then if I don’t stop myself, if I indulge, which I have been doing a lot lately because I’ve had a major “fuck it” attitude to life and the world, I beat myself up. Then I spiral into a self-loathing because I’m terrified of screwing up all the progress I’ve made so far. Then I second-guess every decision I’ve made leading up to this.

I swear I’m still taking all my medications, so it’s definitely not that. I wonder if introducing the wellbutrin broke me or if work is just that insane that it’s affecting everything. I wish I had more answers. I’m not going to stop trying but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t on the struggle bus with getting outside of my head.

Fast Solutions to a Problem

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Last night was a takeout night, and I went completely off the reservation. Kiddo wanted Sonic after I got out of work, and I obliged. I got myself some garlic parmesan bites (260 cal, not so bad) along with his food but I also managed to eat a chicken tender and half a tater tot order just munching. Bad, bad girl. I wish I could say it stopped there.

We get to the takeout part. I decide to get a southwest salad at chic fila (with grilled nuggets) and there was a reward for 2 free chicken strips. Free food has no calories right? Wrong. I ate those, and then got the boys food. Popcorn chicken and curly fries for kiddo, and a combo for the mister. I ate most of the fries before we got home (He doesn’t eat many fries so there was plenty still for him). I also got him a chicken sandwich from Walmart. I ate my salad when I got home, and I ate another salad after that. I also had cashews I got from Walmart. Did I chart all this like I should? No.

It’s wild to me because I can be relatively okay until that first morsel of food hits my lips, then it’s like it’s all I can think about. So today I’m trying something new. As I type this, it’s 9:42 AM and I have been up for almost four hours. My usual breakfast time is like 7-8 AM so this is off for me. I’m going to try to go as far as I can without eating to see if it will help me. I’m so afraid of losing all my progress that I am desperate to try anything at this point. I’ll let you know how it goes!

Snacking Zensations and Wellness Check

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I have found that the only way to keep myself satiated between meals is to snack. So my goal has to be to find high volume, low calorie snacks. I have a few go-tos that I have found make me happy and give me the volume I need to not think about food, but not add a ton of calories.

Cucumbers – I will slice an entire cucumber rather thinly and make a quick dipping sauce that is very low-cal and no sugar. Another favorite bulk treat is popcorn. My favorite is the love pop from Central Market (HEB brand) and it’s 170 calories for TWO CUPS! That’s huge.

As I had stated previously, I had started Wellbutrin a few weeks ago for my ADHD. I feel like it’s made me gain weight as it started going up while nothing else has changed but my medications. Not only that but my energy level has been depleted. It cumulated with me sleeping through most of my long holiday weekend, and almost oversleeping for work this morning. I decided yesterday to stop taking it (as apparently I am getting the reverse effects as it gives most people. They report more energy and focus and weight loss. I’m not having any of that obviously) so I’m going to see if I can regulate and then I can reevaluate with my doctor when I get on my higher Rybelsus dose. And hopefully that will eliminate the rest of my food noise.

I’m doing everything I can to stay on track and get this weight loss, but at this point I’m sort of keeping afloat and not swimming. I need to do something to help it along.

Friday Perils

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What a week! Yesterday I had the day off (yay Juneteenth! Hope you celebrated by putting funds into black businesses hands!) It really wasn’t much of a day off though because I had a new computer delivery and packed in 2 doctor visit and a lunch playdate with my kiddo. So, let’s get into the doctor visit and how I’m trying to better myself quickly.

The first doctor appointment was a routine two week post-op follow-up. Everything looks good, which is great. I talked to him about my goal of needing to lose 80 pounds before the end of the year to get my knee replacement surgery. I was honest detailing the struggles I faced since getting my surgery now that my stomach capacity was opened up to full. I found out that if I did want to get a sleeve surgery done, I would have to wait six weeks (So literally the first of December) to get that done to let my midsection heal. That wasn’t really the answer I was looking for! He did hook me up with an “obesity doctor” who could help me prescribe medication. I agreed to it, because anything helps, right?

After a fun lunch date with my kiddo where I had a great grilled chicken salad (and balanced it by stealing a few of his fries and a sip or two of his milkshake – hey it had been a very low calorie input day!) it was off to my primary care doctor to discuss phentermine. She was concerned about phentermine being the same as adderall heart-wise for me, so she was reluctant to prescribe it. We put our heads together and brainstormed a plan. Wellbutrin for the ADHD, a medicine for reflux (in case that was what was happening with my weird tummy issues) and an oral GLP-1 to see if it helps. I voiced some concerns because my dad had been on Wellbutrin for assistance quitting smoking, and it made him go pretty nuts. He left his wife, moved in with me, just went 10000% unhinged. So we’re going to start a low-single release version, and have the people in my life watching me just to prevent that from happening. I’ll go pick all of that up after work today.

I’m going to keep on keeping on for right now. It’s rough to be in the mindset that I’m in right now feeling helpless and hopeless. I know it’s fleeting and once everything calms down I’ll be on the other side of this and happier. But right now? Ya girl is struggling. I’m glad I have this outlet to express my worries, fears, and struggles because it’s hard out here for a pimp right now.

Adventures in Veggie Burgers Gone Wrong

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A year ago, when I was really considering wanting to start this journey, the one thing that was holding me back was the thought of having to make two different dishes for every meal. I also had all those voices in my head telling me it’s a lot of work and probably wouldn’t even matter. When I tell you that doubt is the Devil, believe me. I was like “you know, you right. Why would I bother with all that fuss if it wasn’t going to help me?” Wrong, Kellz. Stop being wrong.

So flash forward to my commitment to not being a slob forever, and now I am looking at things SMRT-ly. What can I easily change that we can both eat, or what components can I do two alternate ones (like side dishes) to make it more palatable for Mr. Metabolism? I started doing things like using a meat blend (pork/turkey/beef) instead of straight up ground beef. Using pork panko instead of bread crumbs. Mashed cauliflower instead of potatoes. I tried focusing on things that my husband wouldn’t mind or notice. I also started to branch out and consider two different meals altogether. Like if they do take out, I do something from the meal prep stash. This weekend at the grocery store there was a special on wagyu burgers that I grabbed up, so I decided I’d make those for Father’s Day (he got his big meal the night before) and I’d attempt these veggie burgers I saw in the food network mag.

Well, let’s just say these things had potential but fell short. I have attempted veggie burgers in the past, and the problem I always had with them was that they were mush. Like fall apart mush, not a patty at all. This time I followed the recipe to the letter. The only difference is I substituted the barbecue sauce with lower sugar ketchup and replacing breadcrumbs with pork panko (but added a bit more). I even took video and photos along the way because I wanted it to be the first actual cooking thing I posted on this blog. I let them sit in the fridge for longer than expected while I cooked everything else – bacon, the Mister’s burgers, everything then I pulled them out to finish up. As soon as they hit the oiled pan they fell apart. They cooked up but it was just piles of mush. Did I still eat it? I did. I spread it over my bun halves loaded up with veggies and ate it like avocado toast. Later I had the rest of the mush on a lettuce boat and turned it into a little wrap. Would I do it again? Not without figuring out why this happens.

I was so disappointed! I wanted a great cooking experience. Tonight is air fried sausages and fixins, which probably isn’t going to be very exciting. C’est la vie.

Go Shawty, It’s Your Birthday

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I was woefully unprepared. I thought I did good. Started the day with a coffee protein shake (shout out to Owyn for making flavors I like, btw) – I had a double double protein style from In-N-Out that rocked my world, and had good snacks. Then came time to take my kiddo to his friend’s birthday party. I grabbed a water along the way. I got there though and there was cake and ice cream. And I refused it. I’m like “yes, I’m so in.” I wasn’t in. Far from it, actually. Because my sweet baby child had a sliver of cake and a kids cup of chocolate ice cream. Then he ate like four bites of it and declared he wanted no more. And he left it there.

In front of me, unattended.

So, I couldn’t let it sit there. A smarter me looking back would have thrown it away immediately, but I was like I can just try a bite of it right? Wrong. Because one bite turned into two turned into it was all gone. And while in the grand scheme of things it was a very small serving, probably a partial one at that, but I am not in the headspace to handle it and well, here we go. I’m going to go hard on the bike today, and dinner will be boiled seafood and an air baked (in the air fryer) sweet potato with minimal things on it. If I need to eat more after that I’ll have some of my carrot ribbon salad.

The hard part of all this is just trying to keep myself from saying fuck it and eating the world. I should never have gotten one taste of it, cause this weekend is going to be a struggle to detox from sweets again. Pray for a bitch pls.